Rainy Days Approaching

Anyone who thinks enough to deserve a fully-functioning brain must find the ordeal of making a decision taunting, because they KNOW how much they dont know.

I really don't know what I want to do when I graduate from college. As normal and stale as that sounds, it never fails to get me into the fetal position.

Sometimes I wish I could make my decisions on simple rules such as, "whatever will give me the most money" or "get me the best job" or "do what I have always loved to do." These kinds of rules work only for people who don't allow themselves to think beyond the answer. But I do.

I don't have the courage, the talent, or the life experience to be a writer. Its what I have always wanted to be growing up. But, I don't think I can pull a Harry Potter out of a degree in economics.

I'm too afraid that if I go in the pursuit of money, life will become dangerously empty for me. I hear warning sirens every time I think of going for the green. I have always equated more money with less life. Not in terms of years... just in terms of life. If I really place that much value on money, then its going to suck out something else of mine in return, for equal measure.

Now, I am running out of excuses for not settling on what I want to do "when I grow up." I'm all grown up, and there is no shrinking back into the cucoon.

I hate metaphors, even though I just used one. I'm sure someone more poetic/lame than me will think of my coming struggle as a butterfly stretching its beautiful wings flying off to drink sweet nectar before alas it is whipped by the soft mesh of a net and made to breathe oh no a chemical that sends it to death and then put into a coffin of glass next to a white tombstone-paper-card that proclaims oh great monarch the hermophylis temperoliyae.

So, I'm going to be plain, true, and real. I cannot console myself with the simple pleasures of walks in the Spring or dark chocolate or primetime comedy.

I'm going to fulfill every bullshit expectation that is expected of me by people who have no right to expect it of me. I am going to fulfill every expectation that is expected of me by people who have every right to expect it of me.

Then, if I am lucky, I will do what I want to do.

But, if I am luckier, I will actually know what it is that I truly want.